Be contented with what you have

How do you feel about your life? Do you like it, love it, and enjoy it, or do you hate it and wish you had a different one than you have? Do you look at other people and their lives and wish you were them and had their lives? Do you want to look the way they look, own what they own, have their career or their family? Or are you happy with the life God has given you? The truth is that you are never going to have anyone else’s life, so it is pointless wishing for it. It is best to learn to do the best you can with what you have.

Nobody has a perfect life and it is entirely possible that if you envy someone else’s life, they are busy wanting someone else’s, too; perhaps they may even want your life! Ordinary people want to be movie stars and movie stars want privacy. Employee wants to be the boss and the boss wishes he did not have so much responsibility. A single woman wants to be married, and sometimes a married woman wishes she was single.


Contentment with life is not a feeling, but it is a decision we must make. Contentment does not mean that we never want to see change or improvement, but it does mean we can be happy where we are and will do the best we can with what we have. It also means we will maintain an attitude that allows us to enjoy the gift of life. It is the state of being satisfied with what you have... your status and current situation. Contentment is a very spiritual approach to life. In fact, most spiritual traditions would say that contentment is the first step to true happiness.

Being contented would mean that you are truly satisfied with your life as it is right now! Of course there is always room to grow and expand who we are and how we live our lives. But we can also be satisfied with how much we have and accept ourselves as we are. This is a powerful way to be in the world. This means that we are not victim to other’s opinions and we are not easily swayed from our viewpoints and beliefs. We actually live our lives in a more authentic way. We live in a time that is set up to keep us from being content with ourselves and therefore we suffer from insecurity, lack of self-confidence and anxiety. Take a look at the media. The whole point of media and advertising is to convince you that you are not happy, that you don’t have enough, that you need more of what they are selling. When you buy their product, or when you have the lifestyle and body and looks of celebrities and models, then you will be happy.

The current economic system is set up to do the same thing. It is expected of you to try and earn as much money as you can. One house is not enough. Two cars are not enough. A six digit salary is not enough. There is always an anxious need to gain more, even if it means stepping on others to get there. Just take a look at what has caused our current economic crisis.

From the moment we are born we are brainwashed to believe that the only way to happiness is to earn as much money as possible, to have perfect abs, the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend or the big house in an expensive neighbourhood. If we don’t have these things, then we are not happy. Since most of us don’t have these things, we hold on to a neurotic need to be different than who we are and live life with much stress and anxiety as we helplessly look for the thing that will make us happy. And those of us who do have the money, the perfect abs and all the rest are just as unsettled, because they discover that the things they thought would make them happy really don’t. So they have to look even harder to find the illusive thing they are missing.

How many of us have the courage to say "I have enough! I am content with my life and who I am"? In the story of the Old Testament, after each day that God created something, he took a look at what he created and was able to say, “This is enough.” This allowed him to stop, be fully content with his achievements, not have anxiety, and take time to rest. That should be the way of life. Hence, contentment a very practical, methodical approach that requires us to cut through the confusion and really seeing our life as they really are at this moment. Be contented.

 

Alert and critically ill vs senile but physically healthy

I just found an email in my personal box which I communicated with my best friend on a rather profound topic. She asked if I would prefer to be mentally alert but critically ill or senile but healthy at old age. I preferred to be critically ill and alert and explained the reasons which she found too profound. She asked several people and it was 70% prefer to be healthy but senile to 30% who prefer to be critically ill but alert.

My answer to her was:

Hi Jen,

I will prefer to be critically ill and mentally alert. Many times we never see the reasons for suffering and pain in this life. In St Paul's letter to the Hebrews, it is clear that suffering can perfect us in the image of Christ. Suffering gives us more capacity to comfort others who suffer. Suffering also humbles us and purifies our soul. Suffering also challenges others who are called to be care-givers to grow in love and compassion.  The mystery of suffering is revealed when through suffering; the sufferer, family and care-giver are sanctified and purified. It can also be a mean of penance for our sins and those of the world. Furthermore, one must be mentally alert to be able to make reconciliation with God and man. Only a mentally alert mind can make the heart contrite.  

To lose cognitive functioning i.e. memory loss, along with decline in reasoning ability and judgment deprives one from making amends. One has to die with dignity and peace. Once the mortal body dies, the soul will come into full awareness and I believe it is more painful not being able to tell your loved ones what you would like to say or to make up with your “enemies”. The full context of forgiving and forgiveness will be more apparent afterlife. Although it may appear to be a good thing during life, not being aware of the happenings = no suffering, in actual fact the suffering is more intense after death. The suffering of the soul is much greater than the suffering of the mortal body.  It is not true that lack of awareness is no agony. Mental agony could be even more tormenting than physical pain. Worst is that one cannot get out of it, unlike physical pain which can be transcended thru prayers.   

Bee

If only suicide can solve all our woes!

When we are going through tremendous suffering, weighed down by disappointments, overwhelmed by our sadness, abandoned by our loved ones,  not understood by our friends, we cannot but become disillusioned with life,  especially with our failures in life. When faced with such extreme sorrow,  we wish that we could die.  This is only natural. Even Job who lost all his fortunes, pride, dignity and health besides feeling totally abandoned by  God, misunderstood and condemned by his closest friends wished that God take away his life. But then if God does not want to shorten our life and suffering on this earth, will taking our own life be the answer to all our woes and afflictions? 


Jesus consoles us in Matthew 10:28-29, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet one of them will fall to he ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows". The greatness and misery of man is that he has freedom and the capacity to self-transcendence or self-destruction. Created in the image and likeness of God, man is not simply a material bring like animals. We have a soul which is the immaterial part of the person akin to our mind. Just as human consciousness is not dependent on the body, so too the soul cannot die, it being immaterial. One can only destroy the body but not the immortal soul.

So the irony and the dilemma of a person going through tremendous suffering if he were to take the way of self-annihilation by taking his life hoping to end his suffering, he is like a man coming out of  the frying pan into the fire.  People commit suicide because they want be  freed from their suffering.  Well, by taking one's life, we certainly will  free ourselves from physical suffering but can we free ourselves from  emotional, psychological and spiritual suffering which is that of the heart and mind? In fact, few people commit suicide because of physical suffering but  practically all those who commit suicide is due to immense emotional and  psychological pain.  So if the soul and the mind cannot die or be destroyed  like the body, aren't we simply carrying our emotional, psychological and spiritual suffering to the next life?

But if it is merely carrying this suffering to the next life, it might still be tolerable. However, the fact is that when the soul is separated from the body, the soul freed from the occupations of the mundane needs will feel  even more intensely his or her emotional and psychological pain.  The truth is that if we cannot handle and cope with our sufferings in this life, what reasonable hope could we have that in the next life, we will no longer have to suffer? In truth, we will suffer even more than ever and this time, we can no longer escape as we could on this earth by destroying our body. In the next life, we can no longer have the power to destroy the soul.

Yes, it is true that God is all merciful and will not send us to hell.  At  any rate, God will never send anyone to hell. God being a loving God will forgive us and welcome us to his kingdom. But the real obstacle to heaven is us.  We will not be able to forgive ourselves for what we have done. Of course, some cannot forgive themselves because they cannot forgive those who have hurt them. Whatever the cause of unforgiveness, we would find ourselves suffering a greater torment, more so for those who commit suicide. Believing that they will be freed of suffering, they will come to realize when in the next life, they see things clearly, how their act of suicide have actually caused more people to suffer.

The first to suffer would be their loved ones, their children especially, siblings, parents, friends, etc. This is inevitable since we are inter-dependent beings. As St Paul says, "For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone." (Rom 10:7).  Our death has an influence over others. Our children will be so distraught at the death of
their parents, more so when it is a suicidal death. So too will their siblings and loved ones and friends. All will feel that in some ways, they are responsible for the death of this person. Some will blame themselves for the rest of their lives for not being able to save the life of his or her loved ones. Often they too cannot forgive themselves and they will live with the guilt until their death. Their wounded-ness and brokenness will cause them to suffer irreparable damage to their lives. Such deep hurts and pain will be passed on consciously or unconsciously to their children. As a result, some who are so broken within will in turn suffer failures in their own lives. Some would even follow the path of self-annihilation set by their loved ones especially if there are their parents. It is within this context that inter-generational sin is plausible because we live in a history of sin. What we see others do, we will unconsciously imbibe their values in us and will follow suit when the situation arises. Beside all these sufferings, many will be involved in the coroner's inquiry and everyone who is involved in this person's life will have to give testimony and evidence at court which only accentuates their pain, misery, shame and failures to prevent their loved ones from taking the path of suicide.

On the part of the person who commits suicide, he will suffer more immensely knowing that he has caused so many problems and miseries behind to his loved ones. Already, he is unable to forgive himself on earth, now that he sees the consequences of his actions and the tolls it exacts on his loved ones remaining on earth, he becomes even more miserable.
He begins to regret that he did not struggle and fight the battle to the last. This leads again
to unforgiveness. He creates his own hell in the next world. He can now only look at his loved ones in great sorrow and helplessness. Isn't such pain in hell or purgatory whichever name you want to call it, even greater and more immense than the sufferings of this earth?
If we cannot take the emotional and psychological pain in this life, how we can ever tolerate the full weight of this emotional, psychological and spiritual death in the next world?

That is why, suicide as an option to conquer suffering in life leads to eternal death. Alas, is there no hope for those of us who have to suffer such intolerable pain, loneliness and
meaninglessness? There is only one way out. It is the way of Christ. We simply have to carry the cross until our last breath and then commend our suffering and life to the Lord.  Of course, it will not be easy at all.  But if we allow nature and grace to accompany us on the way, we will reach the final stage with joy. At least our conscience is clear and we can say with St Paul, "But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my  departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day-and not
only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing." (2 Tim 4:5-8).

Like Jesus, we can only unite ourselves with the suffering of God. Jesus endured to the last because He loves his Father. St Paul endured his trials because he loves Jesus. The key to overcome our suffering is our love for God, only then our love for our loved ones. The former might not be strong enough to sustain us in our fight against the tribulations of life
but God is only ultimate strength. Like all great saints and holy men and women before us, in spite of all the persecutions they went through, the ridicule, the physical and mental tortures, the humiliations, the injustices etc, they could do so only because they love God.

Why do we suffer?  In the final analysis, we have no ultimate answer except that God suffers as much or rather more than all our sufferings put together since he not only suffers within himself but carries all our sufferings and infirmities in him. Of course, suffering can help us to perfect ourselves. But when we are going through the pain and suffering, this answer will not suffice us. We can only trust in God and pray that He will give us the grace and strength to endure until the end when we can leave this world peacefully without guilt or regrets.

Meaning of Life

There is no meaning in life because life itself is the meaning. Where there is no meaning, one must put meaning into it. Life cannot give us meaning so we must enter into life to find its meaning. At the end of the day, the only meaning that will be satisfying is when we give our lives to others especially to the poor and needy. We must constantly find new purpose in life otherwise we are not moving with the times. Our life is changing because situation changes and cannot remain the same all the time. Our children are growing up and they are moving on. We too must move on otherwise we are still living in our past. Hence, it is important to seize the opportunity of making the present meaningful to us. The meaning of life must change. When our children were young, our meaning was to raise and nurture them, give them a good education, support their vision and mission but in time to come, they will also no longer need us. Therefore, it is necessary that we continue to find ourselves through the giving of self to others most in need. As long as we keep on giving and loving, we will find meaning, otherwise we will only wither away and languish in loneliness and meaninglessness when our job as a parent is done. Our children are becoming adults and they would have to be treated as such. They will respect us but we can no longer command them as before because they have their own mind and interests. They will become more like our friends. Moreover, we cannot depend too much on them because they need to make a niche for themselves in their own life.  We would have to let them go. But that does not mean we are doomed. Rather, God is releasing us from such responsibilities and freeing us for other plans that He has for us.  

 

May I listen to the drum that is calling me to a new adventure and respond to that drum to find life and meaning. May God will enlighten me as to what is the next level of life that I am called to move towards so that I can live a truly authentic and meaningful life...  

Who will feed the poor?

In our recent trip to South Africa, a young man on bended knee asked my children for food. I was in the shop buying a bottle of water. My son brought him into the shop to see me but the shopkeeper refused to let him enter. When I invited him in, the shopkeeper relented. He asked me for food and I picked up a packet of biscuit, two pies and a bottle of soda for him. It was Christmas day… but what difference does it mean to this young man if it is a Holy day or a holiday? 

 

On any given day, a staggering 870 million people worldwide, or 1 in 8 do not have enough food to eat. On the other hand, millions are spend each day on diet products and tons of food is being thrown away daily. The world produces enough food to feed everyone, unfortunately, it is not distributed equally. The rich has more than abundant but the poor has none. It’s one thing to meet a hungry person on the street and another to read about children dying of hunger in an impoverished country or suffering from malnutrition in poor areas of your community. Conscientious people can’t help being disturbed knowing that many people around the world are concerned about losing weight while many others would welcome the leftovers we put down the disposal. 

Globalization shows us that our planet is interconnected. Overconsumption of resources, pollution and economic irresponsibility in one part of the world will eventually impact us all. “For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you took me in; I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me...I tell you whenever you do these things for the least important of these followers of mine, you did it for me.” - Jesus: Matthew 25:35 rings in our ears. Did it motivate us to act or just believe and no action?  

What can I do about hunger? We can make a difference through simple lifestyle changes and be conscious of the effect of our actions. 

 
Eat sensibly. Don’t overeat. Don’t waste food. Reduce meat from your diet. Eat till you are full. Don’t be a glutton.

Consider fasting so that others may simply eat. It’s not practical and impossible to send your leftovers to the slums of Calcutta, but consider fasting from a meal, dessert or luxury food.

Donate the money saved to a hunger cause. Fasting is also a form of prayer and puts us in solidarity with those who don’t have a choice.

Don’t be gullible. The main purpose of advertising is to separate you from your money—not to make you healthy. Eating or drinking certain foods will not make you more powerful or attract the love of your life. Be smart. Read labels and know what they mean.
The bottom line? Eat responsibly, share, learn and advocate. Be mindful, don’t waste food.

Thanking God

What does it mean to give thanks to God? Commonly, we give thanks to someone who has done something for us. Thanksgiving acknowledges a person for acting in a positive way. Psalm 136 v 5,  reads, "Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skilfully." Our thanks acknowledges God's action in creation and gives him appropriate credit. Yet the use of "give thanks" in Psalm 136 goes beyond our ordinary sense of thanksgiving. Consider the psalm's first verse, for example: "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever." Though one might rightly note that God's goodness and faithful love are communicated through his actions, this verse doesn't specifically connect thanksgiving to what God has done but to who God is. We are to give thanks not just because God has done good things for us, but because God is good.

Thus, Psalm 136 takes us beyond thanksgiving to a deeper acknowledgement of not only God's actions but also of God's nature and acknowledge someone when that person does something good for you. It has the sense of speaking out what is true. Thus, beyond saying "thank you" to God when God blesses us, we are to confess his goodness, his grace, his beauty, his grandeur. Thanksgiving often leads us to deeper praise. When we think of what God has done for us, we cannot hold back our gratitude. Being grateful also makes us happier and healthier and also helps us to see more blessings. Did you notice the blue sky? the flowers and trees, the breeze on a hot day? There are so many beautiful things to be grateful for and as we practice being grateful to our loving God, we will notice his creation more and more.  

An identity greater than the past

How can we escape a painful past? Will an undesirable past always be part of who we are or can we leave it completely behind? The question of identity can be addressed on many levels, including the biological, philosophical, behavioral and psychological. From the psychological perspective, we know it is not possible to erase our past, because at any moment we are the sum total of all that we have experienced and all that we have been. We experience the present with all the knowledge, skills, values, beliefs and emotions we have acquired throughout our lives. Every moment adds to the wealth of lifetime experience that constitutes the past. If identity were a simple direct progression, a person could beat a painful past by living well. However, by reminiscing, an individual brings the past back into the present and can revive its impact.

 

Insight into one’s self evolves throughout a person’s life and people differ in the extent to which they reflect upon who they understand themselves to be. The search for who we are can intensify during times of change. Research suggests that individuals who are more actively exploring their identity are more sensitive to change incurred by the passage of time. Comparing who we are now with who we once were helps us maintain a feeling of continuity in the face of constant change within and outside ourselves. But adversity in the past or the loss of joy that can’t be recaptured are not in themselves inevitable causes of poor psychological health. Attempts to deny, erase or escape the past fail to recognize that all experience contributes to who we become. How we process the good and the bad is important in maintaining well-being. Surviving misfortune, learning from mistakes, and incorporating the good that we once had are all opportunities for growing beyond our past while maintaining the thread that constitutes the unique individual we are. We are no longer who we were, but those experiences are still part of who we are. Better than escaping our past, we can become richer because of it.

 

Memories of our past can arouse a mix of emotions. Reminiscing is often accompanied by bittersweet nostalgic feelings of the joy of reliving the past despite the pain of loss. People who more readily feel nostalgic for their past have a greater appreciation for how past experiences become interwoven into their evolving sense of self. Such reflection enables a person to find meaning even in unwanted aspects of the past and facilitates reframing difficult experiences to discover something worthwhile in a process of positive reappraisal. Thoughtful comparison of past and present strengthens a person’s control over his or her own identity, not allowing events or others to define it. While not letting our identity be defined by others, acknowledging how others have helped shape who we are is one way of integrating aspects of the past without letting them overtake the present. Insights into the impact other people have had on us reminds us of the role we have played and continue to play in the lives of others.

Thankfulness for past experiences

Without our own unique past experiences, we would not be the persons we are. The love we have received, the knowledge we have gained are all gifts from people who have influenced our lives. Some of these people are our families and friends. Others lived long before we were born and their ideas have influenced us from the distant past. To all these people, we owe our thanks. Most of us have received our faith from our parents and yet all of us owe a debt of gratitude to the original apostles of Jesus Christ. If they had not preached about Jesus, how would we have known about Him?

Part of the joy of life is in the realization of how much we have received from others, especially from those who have been closely bonded to us. This realization increases love, and the love deepens the bonds and through our gratitude, we come to understand more clearly who we are. Our lives are shaped by the experiences that help us to, in turn to be an instrument to shape another life, to share and be of genuine service to others.

I ask the Lord for the awareness to appreciate what I have received. What I have become is due largely to the wisdom and love which others have shared with me as a gift. I examine my life with gratitude but even when I try to recall my past, I can never be fully aware of how much I have received from God and from those who loved me. Without God's goodness and the goodness of others to help me, how would my own life have been good? May my gratitude deepen each passing day. 

The season of giving

There is no shortage of ways you can make a difference in the lives of others, in this holiday season and throughout the year. We can bring back the magic of the holiday season and remember; there are no acts too small, just be sure to be kind.

 

1. People need your help all year-round

Sick kids in hospitals, children in battered women’s shelters who have fled their homes in the middle of the night, and others might like a toy or two, but nobody’s donating in the middle of the year. The same goes for other forms of volunteering – there are homeless, disabled, sick, poor and needy people who need help all year-round.

2. The recipients of charity are people with feelings, value, and dignity

Poor people don’t need the dregs of your life, whether in the form of your material cast-offs, or your time, emotion, and advice. Being poor means lacking resources, not lacking humanity. If you can’t connect with the people you aim to serve, as people, then nobody is the better for your alleged charity.

3. Consider the gift of independence

Think about the way you volunteer or give charity – is there a way you could increase people’s abilities to make their own choices, to follow their own paths, to develop their own abilities? Give them hope.

4. Be connected          

Too often, people in a position to help hold themselves apart from the people they hope to assist. And no wonder – for the once-a-year volunteer, there is little time to get to know anyone, let alone really understand what their lives are like. If you can, make a long-term commitment and open yourself up to the lives of the people your charity is aimed at. Get to know people face-to-face, as friends and colleagues and equals.

5. Forget about yourself

Last but most important, remember, it’s not about you. Yes, it feels good to give, and there’s no point in feeling guilty about that, but don’t do it because it makes you feel good, or because of so called Karma, or because it’s part of your organization’s charity programme, or for whatever other way that charity benefits you. Do it because you want to do it from your heart… being a giving person without expectation.

This year, instead of giving during the season of giving and then returning to your “normal life” when you pack away the Christmas tree and lights, let the holidays be a starting point to a life of year-round giving.

Prayer is the key

There are many Christians who are ignorant with regard to God's boundless grace. Our need or poverty blinds us to the One who could supply our need if we would only trust Him.

Time and again, Scripture reiterates that God is more willing to give then we are to receive.  We are constantly reminded that if we pray and believe, we will receive that which we pray for. Prayer is the key which unlocks the treasure chambers of God. Many of us believe this but few actually use the key and enjoy the abundance of God's grace.

We are aware that God can give anything that we ask but many of us also see our self-erected barriers which obstruct His answers. When we bring a petition before God, do not start thinking how impossible it is that God will answer our prayer because there are so many obstacles in the way. Such an attitude births doubt and prayers cannot be answered where faith has been substituted by doubt.

How God is going to answer our prayers is neither our responsibility or concern. A simple child-like faith which looks to God and believes unconditionally that He does answer prayer is the kind of prayer that God wants to answer with joy. Our prayer life is also part of God's unfathomable grace and if we use it in faith, God will give us far beyond what we could think or pray for.

Don't give up giving

When we contemplate on generosity, we might look at the size of the gift or the graciousness of the cause. We might call someone who contributes a modest sum to a charitable cause “generous”. But Jesus measured generosity by a radically new standard -the state of the giver’s heart.  A generous giver experiences the joy of giving. When he gives, it does not feel like it is a burden but a pleasure. A generous giver lives and gives with an eternal perspective. A generous giver knows “It is more blessed to give than to receive”. A generous giver recognizes that ultimately everything belongs to God. A generous giver offers gifts as an act of worship. His driving motivation is love for God and His people.

God measures our gifts with a measure different from that of the world. He is not impressed with large numbers. Rather, he measures according to the giver’s capacity and attitude. Jesus spoke about it directly when he compared the temple gifts of the rich men with the gift of the poor widow’s two mites (Luke 21:1-4). By Jesus’ reckoning, the widow gave more than the others because she gave all she had to live on. Her capacity was exorbitantly little, but her attitude was extravagant. To be biblically generous is to recognize God’s boundless beneficence toward us in Christ, and to give extravagantly in worship to him, relative to what one has. To put it differently, biblical generosity is best gauged by asking not, “How much am I giving to God?” but, “How much am I keeping for myself?”

While the Bible does not spell everything out in as much detail as we might like, it does give us relatively clear instructions as to whom to give. We should give to the poor and needy for God has a special concern for the poor, specifically widows and orphans, the hungry, the thirsty, the sick, the naked and prisoners. We should also give to our enemies for this is especially a mark of Christian generosity. It is the point of Jesus’ story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30-37) and of the apostle Paul’s instruction in Romans 12:20. Love your enemy as yourself. Hence, we should use every opportunity to show love in word and deed.

It is also possible to give without feeling the pinch. When a family donates a bag of old clothes to the Salvation Army, or when a multi-millionaire gives an impressive-sounding six-figure contribution, they feel no loss because it is in their best interest to discard those things anyway. Strictly speaking, this is not giving at all but "selective disposal". Even in the Old Testament, King David recognized this difference when he insisted, “I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing” (2 Samuel 24:24).

Sacrificial giving is the kind that is done at great personal cost to the giver. But a wealthy person can weather losses with ease. Indeed, for this very reason Jesus says, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God"(Luke 18:24). Nonetheless, don’t give up for God will give you all the grace you need to give generously to those in need. The important thing is to be sure at every point that it is Christ who received the glory for our acts of giving for it is God who enables our love and generosity. God loves a cheerful giver. He also assures us that those who give generously to the poorest of the poor need not fear destitution for no one can out-gives God. Do not stop giving with a generous and cheerful heart.

 

The silent abuse

“Beaten and abused but what if the bully is your own child? Many parents are living in fear of their children but too ashamed to ask for help… says a leading British charity organization. Why?”

Parent abuse is a silent problem that initiates because people do not often associate abuse as by children towards parents. It is less common and often under reported. Parent abuse is defined as "any act of a child that is intended to cause physical, psychological, emotional, verbal damage to gain power and control over a parent".

Parent abuse can occur in any family and is not associated with socio-economic class, ethnic background or education level etc. Although fathers are also susceptible, mothers are the most frequent victims of parent abuse. One of the reasons is that women are the primary caregivers. They spend more time with their children than fathers and have closer emotional connections to them.

The most common type of parental abuse that goes unpunished, but yet can be the most lethal is verbal and emotional abuses towards their parents. Verbal abuses are described as name calling, yelling, swearing and demoralizing comments. These abuses are often ignored or dismissed. Words hurt and leave scars and usually the parent especially mother make no complaint. The mother just suffers quietly and often in vain. She feels a sense of shame and humiliation so she rarely seeks help and there is usually little or no help available anyway.

The majority of abuse is physical and violent. Physical abuses included slapping, shoving, pushing, kicking, spitting, punching, breaking or throwing things, punching holes in walls or breaking in doors, or the used of any form of weapon. The protection of women against abusive husbands and boyfriends has gained much support through the years but what protections have been given to parents especially mothers that are abused by their children? Not just physically, but emotionally and verbally. Mothers are the main target yet to a mother, it is unthinkable to report the child to the relevant authority.

Psychological abuse are bullying, instilling fear or intimidation while emotional abuses are described as playing malicious mind games, threatening to run away or commit suicide, staying away from home overnight and not telling the parents where he/she are, refusing to do as told, making unrealistic demands, hurting pets or siblings, controlling the running of the household, making parents feel like they are inadequate or crazy, lying, driving them to the corner… to suicide.

Most parents have difficulty accepting that their son or daughter is abusive and may deny that there is a problem. They often feel depressed, anxious, and ashamed that they "didn't do the right thing". Their despair interferes with their ability to regain leadership in their families. In addition, some parents feel it is not advisable to attempt to control the situation it would only enrage her child more as usually the child shows no remorse or guilt but feels justified in the behaviour.

When parents use "gentle" attempts, such as reasoning, to encourage their aggressive child to stop the abuse, they are often ignored or treated with contempt. However, the child reacts even more aggressively if parents use force, and a circle of mutual retaliation evolves. Abused parents experience a variety of emotions such as depression, a sense of failure and loss. While it is easier said than done for parents to build their sense of self-worth and strengthen their ability to cope with the situation, the hard truth is that it is usually more difficult than what one can perceive. As with other forms of family violence, it seems that the abusers victimize the people they see as vulnerable.

Society may be overlooking the most vulnerable victim of child abuses – Parents! It is not only a movie that you watch on television… it happens every day. What a sad, sad world L

Trust when you pray

The greatest problem in prayer is to let go and let God .

It is impossible to determine what the future holds and therefore it is wise to be prepared for the vast unknown that lies ahead. The only effective way of doing it is to develop a practical prayer life... communication with God daily. A prayer life will give you strength in moments of weakness and comfort in times of sorrow. This is not achieved in a fleeting moment of time but if the fruit of sustained time spent in the presence of God.

Personal prayer has many facets. It is a wonderful source of comfort. Once you are aware of the tremendous power of prayer, you will discover that your view of being are being extended. It enables you to remain calm in the midst of life's storms.

There are many people who start to pray when they experience a crisis. The sad fact is that such prayer is usually a last act of despair when all other efforts have failed. Nevertheless, turn to God and call on Him in prayer under all circumstances in life. St Paul said to the Philippians 4:6 "... in everything by prayer and supplication, let your requests be known to God." Regardless of what crisis or need in your life may be, lay your problem confidently before God. He walked the same earthly road that we are walking and He will understand. Trust Him unconditionally and place yourself in His care. Believe in His ability to guide you along the road which He dotted out for you. Obey Him and He will transform your crisis and fear into an opportunity.

Many people maintain that prayer is an instinctive action with man. This may be true but powerful and virile prayer is the result of dedicated discipline and the right attitude towards God. If your intentions are honest, you would not only pray when you feel like it but you will find great joy and happiness in sharing every conceivable emotion and thought with God.

When the sun is shining, share your joy with God, and then when an ominous storm starts building up around you, you will not become panic stricken for you know in your heart that God is then in full control as well. Lay your prayers before Him and than God will give you that which you need according to His wisdom and you will recognise and accept His answers. Be rest assured that He will give you what is best for you. Gratefully accept His will and then experience His perfect peace in your heart.

Dear God, today I want to intercede for my daughter, Amanda that your merciful love will surround her, that your promises always were, still are and will always be that if your children turn to You in their need, You will always hear them and react to their call of distress. "Righteous are You, O Lord, when I plead with You." Jer 12:1. To You O Lord, who answered prayer, I readily want to pray according to Your will and I thank you that Your love enables Amanda to pray in faith, recognises and accepts Your answers. Help her to pray in childlike faith in the glorious assurance that You determine what is best for her and therefore we can say together: May Your will be done. Amen.

God has a plan for us

It is often difficult to understand or accept that God is busy fulfilling His plan in our lives especially when we are going through difficult and taxing times. When Joseph was sold into slavery, when an unscrupulous woman robbed him of his freedom and when his friends forgot about him, it was unlikely that he would see in the hands of God in all those happenings. Nevertheless, when after many years, he looked back upon the road he had travelled, he did see the hands of God in his life.

If we are in deep waters of affliction right now, if we are experiencing problems and sorrow, remember that it might be part of God's tapestry. He determines the pattern of our lives. In our darkest moment, hold on steadfast that God is still in control despite the appearances of the situation. Rather know that God can give purpose and meaning to suffering. Life's darkest moment can be a testimony of God's perfect purpose for our lives.

In our present circumstances, difficult and heart-rending as they might be, hold on to the assurance that God is busy working out His perfect plan for our lives. There is nothing which God cannot complete. It is not God's will for us to be permanently remain in the dark valley of despondency. In His time, He will make all things beautiful and meaningful again.

There are three things which only God knows: the beginning of things, the cause of things and the end of things. I will put my trust and faith in God although He seems so far away at this moment. In time, all things can be a liberating experience for God is bigger than any problem which could ever arise. In the words of Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path". Be assured that God is our guarantee for a blessed future. 

A worldly and silent God

If you want to find God, look for Him in the midst of your everyday life. He speaks to you in the ordinary events that touch you each day. If you find that too prosaic, too mundane, you may miss his voice and lose the opportunity to sense His presence.

We will never know the means which God will use to encounter us. World events, television programs, friendships, even misunderstandings and sufferings, God uses all of these to convey His message to us, to tell us about Himself and about us. If our hearts are open, attentive and yet silent, we will hear His voice and His eagerness to speak to us. 

Wrong notes

A famous pianist once said that if he played all the notes right, nobody would notice but if he played just one wrong note, then everybody will take notice. That is human nature. A mistake seems to clamour for attention more the the many things that go along smoothly.

Many people ruin their day by brooding over mistakes. They forget the many things they did that went well and concentrate on the things that went wrong. They lose perspective about their own performance as well as those of others and their pride keeps them from tolerating anything that is imperfect. They are entangle so much in the lack of compassion that they cannot tolerate especially the mistakes of others.

Once we learn from our mistakes, we should concentrate on what went well. That would be a gentle and realistic way to face ourselves, our families and friends.... a way that would enable us to end our day with a feeling of peace and thankfulness.

A little kindness goes a long way

The amount of kindness bears no proportion to the effect of kindness. Generally, people do not look at what you have had to give up in order to do for them what you have done. They see only the kindness. It is not what you do but how you do it that matters.

The least kind action is greater than the greatest wrong. The smallest kindness can lift a heavy weight. It reaches far and travels swiftly. A kind action lasts a long time. The doing of it is only the beginning. Years of estrangement can hardly take the sweetness out of a kind deed.

The more you try to repay kind deeds, the further off you seem from having repaid them. The obligations of gratitude lengthen and deepen so that your life seems to be delightfully committed to a profusion of kind actions.

You cannot pass a day without meeting with opportunities for kind actions. Kind acts are as easy as they are frequent in our lives.When kindness calls for self denial, sacrifice is rewarding. You always gain more than you lose. You gain outwardly but the inward gain is greater. The wonderful effects of a kind deed certainly make you wonder why you do not do more kind deed as one kind action leads to another. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions. 

Three litttle don'ts (1)Don't speak unkindly of others (2) Don't speak unkindly to anyone (3) Don't act unkindly towards anyone. And three little dos. (1) Do speak kindly to someone at least once a day (2) Do think kindly about someone at least once a day (3) Do act kindly toward someone at least once a day.

I am very grateful to those kind people whom God sends my way during my difficult times and the kindness that they have shown me is forever engraved in my heart. That's the hidden power of kindness... you can never repay it enough.

The meaning of happiness

Am I happy? Is my life a happy one? Am I happy with my family? Am I happy in my job? Am I happy with my church? Am I happy inside my own skin?Are these good questions to ask ourselves? When we face our lives honestly this kind of question about happiness is more likely to bring tears to our eyes than solace to our souls because, no matter how well our lives are going, none of us live perfectly fulfilled lives. There are always unfulfilled dreams, areas of frustration, tensions, deeper hungers that are being stifled. As Karl Rahner so poignantly puts it, we are suffering the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable as we are learning that here in this life there is no finished symphony.

The question should not be: Am I happy? Rather the questions should be: Is my life meaningful? Is there meaning in my life? Is there meaning in my family? Is there meaning in my job? Is there meaning inside my church? We need to ask the deep questions about our lives in terms of meaning rather than in terms of happiness because, for the most part, we have a false, over-idealized, and unrealistic concept of happiness.

We tend to equate happiness with two things, pleasure and lack of tension. Hence we fantasize that for us to be happy we would need to be in a situation within which we would be free of all the tensions that normally flood into our lives from: pressure, tiredness, physical pain, financial worry, disappointment in our jobs, frustration and every other headache and heartache that can appear. Happiness, as it is superficially conceived of, means perfect health, perfectly fulfilled relationships, a perfect job, no anxiety or tension in life, no disappointments and the time and money to enjoy the good life.

But that isn't what constitutes happiness. Imagine if someone had come up to Jesus as he was dying on the cross and asked him the question: Are you happy up there? His answer would have been unequivocal: "No! And today in particular I am not happy!" However, the perspective is quite different if, while on the cross, Jesus would have been asked this question: "Is there meaning in what you are doing up there?" There can be deep meaning in something even if there isn't happiness in the way we superficially conceive of that.

When we grasp and reflect back on various periods of our lives... from the perspective of where we are today, we see that sometimes certain periods of our lives that were fraught with all kinds of struggles, and within which very little were indeed happy moments. We look back on them now with fondness and warmth. They were meaningful times and our present perspective washes back through time and purges the pain and highlights the joy. Conversely, we can also look back on certain periods of our lives when there may have been pleasure in our lives but that phase of our lives now appears clearly as an unhappy time. We look back at it with a certain heaviness and regret. What seemed like light then seems like a time of darkness now.

C.S. Lewis taught that happiness and unhappiness colour backwards: If our lives end up happy, we realize that we have always been happy even through the trying times... just as, if our lives end up unhappy we realize that we have always been unhappy, even during the pleasurable periods of our lives. Where we end up ultimately, in terms of meaning will determine whether our lives have been happy or unhappy. Many people, including Jesus suffered great pain but lived happy lives. Sadly, the reverse is also true. Happiness has a lot more to do with meaning than with pleasure. In his autobiography, Surprised by Joy, C. S. Lewis tells his readers that his journey to Christianity was not an easy one. But one of the things that ultimately brought him around to Christianity was precisely the realization that meaning trumps our normal conception of happiness. He came to understand that the harshness of God is kinder than the softness of man and God's compulsion is our liberation. Money can't buy happiness... it can only buy pleasure, but, as life itself eventually teaches us, pleasure is not necessarily happiness.

Be happy knowing that is what God meant for us to be.