The silent abuse

“Beaten and abused but what if the bully is your own child? Many parents are living in fear of their children but too ashamed to ask for help… says a leading British charity organization. Why?”

Parent abuse is a silent problem that initiates because people do not often associate abuse as by children towards parents. It is less common and often under reported. Parent abuse is defined as "any act of a child that is intended to cause physical, psychological, emotional, verbal damage to gain power and control over a parent".

Parent abuse can occur in any family and is not associated with socio-economic class, ethnic background or education level etc. Although fathers are also susceptible, mothers are the most frequent victims of parent abuse. One of the reasons is that women are the primary caregivers. They spend more time with their children than fathers and have closer emotional connections to them.

The most common type of parental abuse that goes unpunished, but yet can be the most lethal is verbal and emotional abuses towards their parents. Verbal abuses are described as name calling, yelling, swearing and demoralizing comments. These abuses are often ignored or dismissed. Words hurt and leave scars and usually the parent especially mother make no complaint. The mother just suffers quietly and often in vain. She feels a sense of shame and humiliation so she rarely seeks help and there is usually little or no help available anyway.

The majority of abuse is physical and violent. Physical abuses included slapping, shoving, pushing, kicking, spitting, punching, breaking or throwing things, punching holes in walls or breaking in doors, or the used of any form of weapon. The protection of women against abusive husbands and boyfriends has gained much support through the years but what protections have been given to parents especially mothers that are abused by their children? Not just physically, but emotionally and verbally. Mothers are the main target yet to a mother, it is unthinkable to report the child to the relevant authority.

Psychological abuse are bullying, instilling fear or intimidation while emotional abuses are described as playing malicious mind games, threatening to run away or commit suicide, staying away from home overnight and not telling the parents where he/she are, refusing to do as told, making unrealistic demands, hurting pets or siblings, controlling the running of the household, making parents feel like they are inadequate or crazy, lying, driving them to the corner… to suicide.

Most parents have difficulty accepting that their son or daughter is abusive and may deny that there is a problem. They often feel depressed, anxious, and ashamed that they "didn't do the right thing". Their despair interferes with their ability to regain leadership in their families. In addition, some parents feel it is not advisable to attempt to control the situation it would only enrage her child more as usually the child shows no remorse or guilt but feels justified in the behaviour.

When parents use "gentle" attempts, such as reasoning, to encourage their aggressive child to stop the abuse, they are often ignored or treated with contempt. However, the child reacts even more aggressively if parents use force, and a circle of mutual retaliation evolves. Abused parents experience a variety of emotions such as depression, a sense of failure and loss. While it is easier said than done for parents to build their sense of self-worth and strengthen their ability to cope with the situation, the hard truth is that it is usually more difficult than what one can perceive. As with other forms of family violence, it seems that the abusers victimize the people they see as vulnerable.

Society may be overlooking the most vulnerable victim of child abuses – Parents! It is not only a movie that you watch on television… it happens every day. What a sad, sad world L